conformity sucks

"Look closely at the present you are constructing
it should look like the future you are dreaming"
-Alice Walker

i woke up this morning and i made a resolution.
here is what led up to this:

i cleaned out my room this weekend, and found so many things from my childhood that had been hiding out in my room. i remembered what it was like to be me five years ago. i used to write all the time. i would write stories in my spare time and ask my family to read them and give me corrections. i was pretty good at it, too. my childhood imagination came up with some pretty great things. i used to draw, too. i used to get good grades in school and my teachers would send notes home that said great things about me. i had a book full of songs that i wrote, and i even dabbled in rap music (haha). i used to play the piano and guitar. i used to imagine my neighbors houses were drive through restaurants and banks and that when i turned my bike upside down it became an ice cream stand. i used to sell lavendar bushels on the side of the road. i used to play pocahontas at my church, where the grass islands were surrounded by water and we each had our own island. i used to let my imagination run wild. i used to wear two pigtails on different spots on my head. all of these things and more surfaced while i was going through my room. i was having a very nostalgic afternoon.
man, i had a great childhood.
which, of course, led me to think of my present day life.
i dont write for fun anymore. actually, i dont even write for school anymore. i dont write songs or play the guitar/ukulele/piano like i used to. i dont ride my bike to neighbors houses and pretend to withdraw a million dollars to go to the mcdonalds next door. i dont play outside everyday. i dont sit and imagine the possibilities.
this was a depressing realization. what had i been doing with my time, then? dance. facebook. ipod.sleep. these things have taken over my whole life. (notice that homework was not one of those things.... i should be doing more of that).

now, one day i was on the internet and looking at one of my favorite writer's blog. her name is keri smith and she writes some of my favorite books. my lovely sister introduced me to these. they speak to our soul.
keri smith wrote this lovely essay on how she discovered what she should be doing in life. (you can find that here)

you have to read this essay.
i could relate to the whole thing. she basically realized that she wasn't where she was supposed to be in life, so she created a life that she could blossom in, full of inspiration and creative outlets. my mom is so very creative and so are each of her children, so she has taught us many ways to let our creativity go. that is probably why i had such a creative and imaginative childhood. keri smith went through school being told she was unoriginal, so she spent her time either skipping school or waiting till school was over so she could go home and create her own world.

her seven rules are:
1. you are invincible
2. you can create your own worlds/universes
3. convention sucks
4. mistakes are good (as long as they don't kill you)
5. the answers are everywhere
6. reading is crucial
7. question everything

she created the kind of world she could live in where she felt inspired and could be who she wanted. she questioned every rule that she was given. now, she is trying to teach others what she now knows.

which is when i realized, i've been living someone elses dream. what kind of future was i constructing? i'd been living without inspiration. i haven't questioned anything. i've been stifling everything that has made me an individual. high school sucks. conformity sucks. convention sucks. the biggest thing i think anyone should learn is how to let your soul do what it wants (as long as it doesn't kill you) without letting anyone else make you feel inferior. who cares if you wear your pigtails on different sides of your head? i think its amazing how people create their own rules to follow and do not question why. by no means am i excluding myself from this. this is what i am coming to explain.

and now here is my resolution:
i want to know what keri smith knows. i want to be someone who does what they want and wears what they want and says what they want and questions everything they see as something beautiful and intricate and amazing. i want to see everything as magical again. i want to write stories and songs and get lost in everything like i did when i was ten. i want to live my life with inspiration. i want to feed my soul and learn and become better everyday. i want to explore. i never want to forget what makes life beautiful and worthwhile. i want to be myself even if people think i'm crazy. who decides what crazy is anyways? i want to fall in love with life again.
when i was ten, i knew these things. i knew what i liked and didnt care if no one else liked it. i've always wanted to do something different than everyone else.
it just took some spring cleaning to realize these things. in order to have the future i want, i need to live it now.
so today, i'm going to ride my bike and paint flower pots with my sister. i am going to make a jar full of wishes. i'm going to tell the people i love that i love them and i'm going to wear my hair however i want.

it's time that we all fall in love with life again.

it's pretty normal

it's pretty normal to want to be alone sometimes. it's pretty okay to sit by yourself and be quiet. I think people get confused and say that someone who is shy is something negative. I am shy, yes. insecure, maybe. but only because society says it's wrong to be shy. this is the story of my life these days. i tell myself what i'm doing is not normal or cool. i think one thing and my brain latches onto and spins off in another direction with a completely different thought. I tell myself it's not normal to be quiet. but really, i like to be quiet sometimes. theres times to be loud, too, of course. but i enjoy sitting and watching the world like im not a part of it sometimes. i like to imagine what motivates people to do what they do. and I like myself. I like my friends, my family, my life. I like that my emotions are so gosh dang strong, even though it does become a hassle in situations. I like being a human being. well, I guess this is my motivational speech to myself today. go get em, Hannah. ha but really, I like what makes me different from the other cookie cutter high school girls. I like being an individual. I don't have to be one a loud individual and show everyone I want to be different. nope, that's okay for those guys. it's pretty normal to be quiet. if we would all stop telling ourselves it isn't

belief

I believe I can challenge myself
I believe things always get worse before they get better
I believe people are most beautiful when they are honest and raw
I believe in positive reinforcement
I believe everything is beautiful even if it doesn't seem so at first
I believe in fate
I believe a dad is a girls first love
I believe music can speak to your soul
I believe doctor Clark eckleburg can fix any broken heart
I believe in free expression
I believe we are only held back by our insecurities because I believe we can do the impossible
I believe in loving someone just because
I believe in home
I believe in trusting my heart
I believe in ghosts
I believe in equality and humility
I believe everyone has something to teach you
I believe in soul best friends
I believe we are our own worst enemies
I believe in God
I believe we can love more than we let ourselves
I believe in karma
I believe in my friends
I believe laughter really is the best medicine
I believe in animal rights
I believe in a free country
I believe you cannot make a judgement about someone until you've met them three times
I believe in love at first sight
I believe in soul mates
I believe youth really is wasted on the young
I believe in magic
I believe you need to love yourself before you can truly love others
I believe sometimes paradise isn't all it's cracked up to be
I believe every girl is a princess
I believe we all have the potential to be something great but only some of us rise to the challenge
I believe we are all given trials, but what defines us from others is how we deal with them


I want to believe in myself
I want to believe
even though it's easier to doubt
belief makes things feel alright
  
 

why I can't sleep tonight....

it's 10:57
which is really not that late
but I've been laying here
in my new sheets
for 2 hours
waiting for sleep
but something new keeps coming up in my head to think about.
so what do you do when that happens?
apparently blog about it

I used to be excited about being artistic director but now I have no motivation to be there. I need to be happy and nice for the girls but I am having such a hard time getting myself to do it. I don't know what it is. I'm tired of feeling like my life is a collapsing building. I'm tired of feeling like life is rushing past me in the wrong direction. I ran away today but it didn't really count because I was a five minute drive away and there were too many people giving me looks like I was a homeless person so I went home. I am very tired of saying good bye to my best friends. it's happened more than I have cared for it to. I don't want to be stuck here without them. but I am. and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of having these battles in my head, trying to talk myself in and out of things. I'm tired of switching from happy to sad every five minutes. I'm pretty tired of a lot of things right now, but not tired enough to sleep, I guess.
sometimes I would just like to lay down in the grass and just sink into the earth and have life go on without me. I don't mean that how you think.
I would just like to figure out who I am now, please. I thought I knew before, but according to others I was not acting like myself. I was acting strange. I felt most confident then. but then my building collapsed again by the person I thought loved me the most. everyday is a battle.
is this even helping me sleep? no. I'm only writing this because I want someone to listen. I don't even know what good that will do.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

Like peanut butter

Is this it?
I can feel the end
It feels nothing like the start
Like stopping in the middle
Of a very good song
Like I've lost control
The beginning felt warm and new
Like I'd just learned to use my feet
and I couldn't wait to jump
like laying in the sun
hand in hand with a firm, warm grasp
like twirling around in your brand new dress
and not having to worry about getting dizzy
because that didn't happen
Now you get rid of me
like rubbing peanut butter off your
smooth, scarred teeth
like an infectious disease
And not like a human being
It's funny
she looks like me, only more you
I'll never find the missing piece
because you keep it
locked up
inside of you
where only you can feel the satisfaction
of completing the puzzle
I didn't fall for you
I tripped
and you kept me down there
instead of joining me
Now's the time
after you simply float away
to pick up what pieces of me I can find
and keep walking
it will always come down to me in the end

If you love someone...

Dear love,
It is almost time for you to go. This is about your life and not mine. I realize that now. As much as I want and even need you to stay, life is beautiful and changing and we have no power against it. Time will go on whether we like it or not. You are leaving and I am staying right here where I've always been. It is your time to move on and become your own person and it is not fair of me to hold you back. We need to let life push us where it wants us to go. If this means different roads for us, then that's how it needs to be. You have changed my life in a way that I will never be able to repay you. You have something magical in you that is almost tangible. A person like you does not come around every day. I feel so much beauty in life from you. And it's one of the hardest things I've done, but I have to let you go. There is someone out there who needs you just as much if not more than I do, and even though it's hard, I know it's the right thing to do. You know what they say; if you love someone, let them go. And if they don't come back, they were never yours in the first place. I'm putting my faith in fate and life, that our paths will continue to intertwine. I love you so much. I love you, and I'm letting you go.

tastes and colors

I just made an anklet out of floss from Robert's. I wanted it to have all this symbolism and meaning but it still just is an anklet to me. Then I was sitting here watching TLC with my family and I realized something.

Everyday I wake up and have a completely different mood. It seems like my days are painted over with one color that takes over everything I do. Everyday, I wake up and feel like this is how my life will be as long as I live. How 16 year old of me, right? If I am in a bad mood, I feel like I will never get out of it, but the same goes for good days. Everyday I wake up and get another taste of the world. Somedays it tastes like strawberries and then other days it tastes like burnt mac and cheese. If you know what I mean. Today could be the last taste of the world I get. Last night, I accidentally took expired TUMS at a sleepover and we were convinced we were going to die. But we had so much fun before we went to bed that the whole world tasted like smooth chocolate and my life was painted orange and yellow. Wouldn't that be a good taste to have left in your mouth if it was the last one you got? Everyday, I want to wake up and taste the world and savor it like it was the last taste I got. If it has to burnt mac and cheese, then I want every minute of that. If my day has to be colored grey or black, then let it. I would rather feel everything than nothing at all. 

I am so lucky to taste the world at all. 

sometimes my fingers/brain need exercise

i had this really great blog post all planned out but i think i'll do it later

right now, i want to just let my fingers move and type whatever is coming into my head

i am listening to music and trying to distract myself from things. it really does help to listen to music. people make all those stupid songs that are like "music make you lose control" haha like that one hip-hop song that i think is ciara?  i dont know. music inspires so many people. everyone can understand it. how wonderful. right now, i am grateful to wolfmother for distracting me with their wonderful song vagabond. look it up. 

i think good friends are hard to find, but it is even harder to be a good friend that people want to find. i'm certainly not the best friend. i try to listen and  try to help but i guess sometimes its not really enough for some people. but thats natural. not everyone can like everyone. sometimes thats hard to face. i know it is for me. 

friends are really nice to have. they are also very delicate. all people are. sometimes being with a friend comes really natural and sometimes you have to push to keep the conversation going. 

i feel very awkward socially today. i had to push to keep most of my conversations going. but you know what? i don't think anyone noticed. i'm getting good at faking. some people you just can't relate to. 

i love the dave matthews band. it reminds me of my dad and my childhood because he would listen to this stuff all the time when i was little. its super comforting. right now i am listening to satellite. it's lovely, like a blanket that just got out the dryer. or hot chocolate. or a kitty.

i want to transfer to hillcrest. but that is a long story i will tell you later, my friend.

satellite is over. i don't like the song that's on.