it's pretty normal

it's pretty normal to want to be alone sometimes. it's pretty okay to sit by yourself and be quiet. I think people get confused and say that someone who is shy is something negative. I am shy, yes. insecure, maybe. but only because society says it's wrong to be shy. this is the story of my life these days. i tell myself what i'm doing is not normal or cool. i think one thing and my brain latches onto and spins off in another direction with a completely different thought. I tell myself it's not normal to be quiet. but really, i like to be quiet sometimes. theres times to be loud, too, of course. but i enjoy sitting and watching the world like im not a part of it sometimes. i like to imagine what motivates people to do what they do. and I like myself. I like my friends, my family, my life. I like that my emotions are so gosh dang strong, even though it does become a hassle in situations. I like being a human being. well, I guess this is my motivational speech to myself today. go get em, Hannah. ha but really, I like what makes me different from the other cookie cutter high school girls. I like being an individual. I don't have to be one a loud individual and show everyone I want to be different. nope, that's okay for those guys. it's pretty normal to be quiet. if we would all stop telling ourselves it isn't

belief

I believe I can challenge myself
I believe things always get worse before they get better
I believe people are most beautiful when they are honest and raw
I believe in positive reinforcement
I believe everything is beautiful even if it doesn't seem so at first
I believe in fate
I believe a dad is a girls first love
I believe music can speak to your soul
I believe doctor Clark eckleburg can fix any broken heart
I believe in free expression
I believe we are only held back by our insecurities because I believe we can do the impossible
I believe in loving someone just because
I believe in home
I believe in trusting my heart
I believe in ghosts
I believe in equality and humility
I believe everyone has something to teach you
I believe in soul best friends
I believe we are our own worst enemies
I believe in God
I believe we can love more than we let ourselves
I believe in karma
I believe in my friends
I believe laughter really is the best medicine
I believe in animal rights
I believe in a free country
I believe you cannot make a judgement about someone until you've met them three times
I believe in love at first sight
I believe in soul mates
I believe youth really is wasted on the young
I believe in magic
I believe you need to love yourself before you can truly love others
I believe sometimes paradise isn't all it's cracked up to be
I believe every girl is a princess
I believe we all have the potential to be something great but only some of us rise to the challenge
I believe we are all given trials, but what defines us from others is how we deal with them


I want to believe in myself
I want to believe
even though it's easier to doubt
belief makes things feel alright
  
 

why I can't sleep tonight....

it's 10:57
which is really not that late
but I've been laying here
in my new sheets
for 2 hours
waiting for sleep
but something new keeps coming up in my head to think about.
so what do you do when that happens?
apparently blog about it

I used to be excited about being artistic director but now I have no motivation to be there. I need to be happy and nice for the girls but I am having such a hard time getting myself to do it. I don't know what it is. I'm tired of feeling like my life is a collapsing building. I'm tired of feeling like life is rushing past me in the wrong direction. I ran away today but it didn't really count because I was a five minute drive away and there were too many people giving me looks like I was a homeless person so I went home. I am very tired of saying good bye to my best friends. it's happened more than I have cared for it to. I don't want to be stuck here without them. but I am. and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of having these battles in my head, trying to talk myself in and out of things. I'm tired of switching from happy to sad every five minutes. I'm pretty tired of a lot of things right now, but not tired enough to sleep, I guess.
sometimes I would just like to lay down in the grass and just sink into the earth and have life go on without me. I don't mean that how you think.
I would just like to figure out who I am now, please. I thought I knew before, but according to others I was not acting like myself. I was acting strange. I felt most confident then. but then my building collapsed again by the person I thought loved me the most. everyday is a battle.
is this even helping me sleep? no. I'm only writing this because I want someone to listen. I don't even know what good that will do.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

Like peanut butter

Is this it?
I can feel the end
It feels nothing like the start
Like stopping in the middle
Of a very good song
Like I've lost control
The beginning felt warm and new
Like I'd just learned to use my feet
and I couldn't wait to jump
like laying in the sun
hand in hand with a firm, warm grasp
like twirling around in your brand new dress
and not having to worry about getting dizzy
because that didn't happen
Now you get rid of me
like rubbing peanut butter off your
smooth, scarred teeth
like an infectious disease
And not like a human being
It's funny
she looks like me, only more you
I'll never find the missing piece
because you keep it
locked up
inside of you
where only you can feel the satisfaction
of completing the puzzle
I didn't fall for you
I tripped
and you kept me down there
instead of joining me
Now's the time
after you simply float away
to pick up what pieces of me I can find
and keep walking
it will always come down to me in the end

If you love someone...

Dear love,
It is almost time for you to go. This is about your life and not mine. I realize that now. As much as I want and even need you to stay, life is beautiful and changing and we have no power against it. Time will go on whether we like it or not. You are leaving and I am staying right here where I've always been. It is your time to move on and become your own person and it is not fair of me to hold you back. We need to let life push us where it wants us to go. If this means different roads for us, then that's how it needs to be. You have changed my life in a way that I will never be able to repay you. You have something magical in you that is almost tangible. A person like you does not come around every day. I feel so much beauty in life from you. And it's one of the hardest things I've done, but I have to let you go. There is someone out there who needs you just as much if not more than I do, and even though it's hard, I know it's the right thing to do. You know what they say; if you love someone, let them go. And if they don't come back, they were never yours in the first place. I'm putting my faith in fate and life, that our paths will continue to intertwine. I love you so much. I love you, and I'm letting you go.

tastes and colors

I just made an anklet out of floss from Robert's. I wanted it to have all this symbolism and meaning but it still just is an anklet to me. Then I was sitting here watching TLC with my family and I realized something.

Everyday I wake up and have a completely different mood. It seems like my days are painted over with one color that takes over everything I do. Everyday, I wake up and feel like this is how my life will be as long as I live. How 16 year old of me, right? If I am in a bad mood, I feel like I will never get out of it, but the same goes for good days. Everyday I wake up and get another taste of the world. Somedays it tastes like strawberries and then other days it tastes like burnt mac and cheese. If you know what I mean. Today could be the last taste of the world I get. Last night, I accidentally took expired TUMS at a sleepover and we were convinced we were going to die. But we had so much fun before we went to bed that the whole world tasted like smooth chocolate and my life was painted orange and yellow. Wouldn't that be a good taste to have left in your mouth if it was the last one you got? Everyday, I want to wake up and taste the world and savor it like it was the last taste I got. If it has to burnt mac and cheese, then I want every minute of that. If my day has to be colored grey or black, then let it. I would rather feel everything than nothing at all. 

I am so lucky to taste the world at all.