why I can't sleep tonight....

it's 10:57
which is really not that late
but I've been laying here
in my new sheets
for 2 hours
waiting for sleep
but something new keeps coming up in my head to think about.
so what do you do when that happens?
apparently blog about it

I used to be excited about being artistic director but now I have no motivation to be there. I need to be happy and nice for the girls but I am having such a hard time getting myself to do it. I don't know what it is. I'm tired of feeling like my life is a collapsing building. I'm tired of feeling like life is rushing past me in the wrong direction. I ran away today but it didn't really count because I was a five minute drive away and there were too many people giving me looks like I was a homeless person so I went home. I am very tired of saying good bye to my best friends. it's happened more than I have cared for it to. I don't want to be stuck here without them. but I am. and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of having these battles in my head, trying to talk myself in and out of things. I'm tired of switching from happy to sad every five minutes. I'm pretty tired of a lot of things right now, but not tired enough to sleep, I guess.
sometimes I would just like to lay down in the grass and just sink into the earth and have life go on without me. I don't mean that how you think.
I would just like to figure out who I am now, please. I thought I knew before, but according to others I was not acting like myself. I was acting strange. I felt most confident then. but then my building collapsed again by the person I thought loved me the most. everyday is a battle.
is this even helping me sleep? no. I'm only writing this because I want someone to listen. I don't even know what good that will do.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

Like peanut butter

Is this it?
I can feel the end
It feels nothing like the start
Like stopping in the middle
Of a very good song
Like I've lost control
The beginning felt warm and new
Like I'd just learned to use my feet
and I couldn't wait to jump
like laying in the sun
hand in hand with a firm, warm grasp
like twirling around in your brand new dress
and not having to worry about getting dizzy
because that didn't happen
Now you get rid of me
like rubbing peanut butter off your
smooth, scarred teeth
like an infectious disease
And not like a human being
It's funny
she looks like me, only more you
I'll never find the missing piece
because you keep it
locked up
inside of you
where only you can feel the satisfaction
of completing the puzzle
I didn't fall for you
I tripped
and you kept me down there
instead of joining me
Now's the time
after you simply float away
to pick up what pieces of me I can find
and keep walking
it will always come down to me in the end

If you love someone...

Dear love,
It is almost time for you to go. This is about your life and not mine. I realize that now. As much as I want and even need you to stay, life is beautiful and changing and we have no power against it. Time will go on whether we like it or not. You are leaving and I am staying right here where I've always been. It is your time to move on and become your own person and it is not fair of me to hold you back. We need to let life push us where it wants us to go. If this means different roads for us, then that's how it needs to be. You have changed my life in a way that I will never be able to repay you. You have something magical in you that is almost tangible. A person like you does not come around every day. I feel so much beauty in life from you. And it's one of the hardest things I've done, but I have to let you go. There is someone out there who needs you just as much if not more than I do, and even though it's hard, I know it's the right thing to do. You know what they say; if you love someone, let them go. And if they don't come back, they were never yours in the first place. I'm putting my faith in fate and life, that our paths will continue to intertwine. I love you so much. I love you, and I'm letting you go.

tastes and colors

I just made an anklet out of floss from Robert's. I wanted it to have all this symbolism and meaning but it still just is an anklet to me. Then I was sitting here watching TLC with my family and I realized something.

Everyday I wake up and have a completely different mood. It seems like my days are painted over with one color that takes over everything I do. Everyday, I wake up and feel like this is how my life will be as long as I live. How 16 year old of me, right? If I am in a bad mood, I feel like I will never get out of it, but the same goes for good days. Everyday I wake up and get another taste of the world. Somedays it tastes like strawberries and then other days it tastes like burnt mac and cheese. If you know what I mean. Today could be the last taste of the world I get. Last night, I accidentally took expired TUMS at a sleepover and we were convinced we were going to die. But we had so much fun before we went to bed that the whole world tasted like smooth chocolate and my life was painted orange and yellow. Wouldn't that be a good taste to have left in your mouth if it was the last one you got? Everyday, I want to wake up and taste the world and savor it like it was the last taste I got. If it has to burnt mac and cheese, then I want every minute of that. If my day has to be colored grey or black, then let it. I would rather feel everything than nothing at all. 

I am so lucky to taste the world at all. 

sometimes my fingers/brain need exercise

i had this really great blog post all planned out but i think i'll do it later

right now, i want to just let my fingers move and type whatever is coming into my head

i am listening to music and trying to distract myself from things. it really does help to listen to music. people make all those stupid songs that are like "music make you lose control" haha like that one hip-hop song that i think is ciara?  i dont know. music inspires so many people. everyone can understand it. how wonderful. right now, i am grateful to wolfmother for distracting me with their wonderful song vagabond. look it up. 

i think good friends are hard to find, but it is even harder to be a good friend that people want to find. i'm certainly not the best friend. i try to listen and  try to help but i guess sometimes its not really enough for some people. but thats natural. not everyone can like everyone. sometimes thats hard to face. i know it is for me. 

friends are really nice to have. they are also very delicate. all people are. sometimes being with a friend comes really natural and sometimes you have to push to keep the conversation going. 

i feel very awkward socially today. i had to push to keep most of my conversations going. but you know what? i don't think anyone noticed. i'm getting good at faking. some people you just can't relate to. 

i love the dave matthews band. it reminds me of my dad and my childhood because he would listen to this stuff all the time when i was little. its super comforting. right now i am listening to satellite. it's lovely, like a blanket that just got out the dryer. or hot chocolate. or a kitty.

i want to transfer to hillcrest. but that is a long story i will tell you later, my friend.

satellite is over. i don't like the song that's on.

bros before hos

i think that is all that has to be said here.

in ven shuhn

invention

[in-ven-shuhn]

1. the power or faculty of inventing, devising, or originating

2. an act or instance of creating or producing by exercise of the imagination, esp. in art, music, etc.

Everyone invents things. Everyone uses their imagination to create something no one else has before. 

Sometimes it's hard to put what you create out into the universe.  Who knows what people will think when they see it. It's easier to play it safe and keep it to yourself.

Okay, but think about it. 

If everyone kept their ideas to themselves, where would we be right now? Absolutely nowhere. 

Think of Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. (Funny movie). Everyone thought Flint's inventions were the stupidest things they had ever seen, but he still kept with it. And he had something great to offer, even if  no one accepted it at first. If Flint kept all of that to himself because he thought it was stupid, that little sardine town would still be in sardine world and Flint would be working with his dad in the tackle shop. He was capable of so much more.

I am totally scared of putting my ideas out there. But then I have to realize that every good idea came from a stupid idea (in a way). Thomas Edison's inventions aren't all still around and used today. Mia Michaels' dances aren't all big hits. No one likes everyone of Miley's songs. But they are all extremely talented people who took the risk anyways. 

We are all capable of inventing something amazing. We just need to be able to put ourselves out there, and grow from our ideas. Not everyone is going to like everything you do. But you'll never know what's amazing until you try. 

be the first to give the love on bad days

I've had bad days.

Everyone has. 

The past few days have been bad days. I'll keep hoping I'll wake up tomorrow and find sunny skies....

I have learned something very important about bad days, that I think we all should learn.

Ready?

No one is going to treat you different if you are having a bad day.

Just because you failed your math test and broke up with your significant other that day does not mean that when you get home your mom isn't going to get on your case about cleaning your room and emptying the dishwasher. 

Just because you had this awesome proposal at work that everyone shot down, doesn't mean that the man in the dodge stratus next to you on the freeway will refrain from cutting you off. He's not even thinking about you. He has somewhere to be.

So here's what you should get out of all of this:

People are selfish. And if your day was crap, don't expect anyone to treat you any differently. They are thinking of themselves more often than not and will interact with you based on their day and not yours. 

I learned this the hard way.

It's a hard knock life, children.

If my mom had a good day, she wouldn't bug me about my room and probably sit down and try to talk with me instead.

If the guy in the dodge stratus didn't have somewhere to be, he would probably happily let you into the space in front of him.

There's no way of knowing. 

Now, here is what you really should get out of this:

The only thing we can do about this, is to be the bigger person. I promise it will help with your bad day. Be the first to give the love. You've had a crappy day, but you also have no idea what is going on in the minds of everyone around you. Maybe their day was equally crappy, or worse. They probably need a hug as much as you do. Stop thinking about yourself on your bad days and what happened to you, and instead think about what is happening to everyone around you. There are so many people in the world, it's simply ridiculous to think you are the most important one. Because you know what it's like to be down, lift someone up. 

I don't know about you, but I don't wish bad days on anyone. 

So let's learn from them.